Digvijay and Ridhima's blog

Funeral Planning

July 29th, 2010 | by Ridhima Suri |

How to arrange a funeral ?

Goosebumps. Yes I have goosebumps writing this post. It’s like dejavu and I am re-living the family emergency we faced recently. Yet, I have to write this post to help people who are in a similar situation and do not know where to start. There is very less written on funeral planning and the funeral industry due to obvious reasons. Few people have the nerve to write about this experience or post online.

This post will be useful for you if you are :

• A fairly recent immigrant to the United States,
• Of Indian (South Asia) descent,
• Have lost an infant or know someone who is in this situation (most of the process for adults is also same), and,
• Have no clue on how to plan a funeral in the U.S.

Do you know someone who are parents or family to a deceased infant? Are you the parent of an infant baby who passed away? Have you recently moved to the U.S. and are clueless about how to deal with funeral arrangements ?

The death of a young one is one of the most unfortunate and traumatic experiences that anyone can face. This post is a step by step guide to make you aware of the decisions that must be taken. This post is based on facts developed by The California Department of Consumer Affairs’ Cemetery and Funeral Bureau and is tailored for Indians following Hindu Rites.

There are several decisions that must be taken for funeral and cemetery arrangements, for example how to dispose the body, how to arrange for a final viewing of the body, arranging for a funeral casket, making an appointment with a cemetery, etc. All of this must be done in compliance to the legal requirements of the state. There are 24/7 helplines for most funeral homes.

Cost of a funeral for an infant

Arranging a funeral is a costly affair and doing the right thing as per your religious beliefs is important. The cost of a funeral can be a few thousand dollars. Some funeral homes are able to donate their services at no cost to children under five and at a significant discount to children under 18.  Most other funeral homes do not offer the same and most people do not know about this.  There is additional cost of a casket. Check with them on this before making a decision.

Funeral Planning for Indians

Step 1. Locate a funeral establishment

There are many funeral establishments in California and approximately 200 fraternal and private cemeteries. You can search for funeral establishments near you on Google Maps.  You can also visit www.cfb.ca.gov for more information. It is likely that you will not have much time to read up all the materials so just search for local funeral establishments and call to see how they can help.

Step 2 Work with the funeral home

People who work in funeral homes are very compassionate and caring. They understand the sensitivity of the matter. Some of the decisions you should expect to make during this process are as follows:

1. How to dispose the body of the deceased? Bury or cremate
2. How to preserve the body till the funeral?
3. How to purchase a casket/coffin or a suitable container for the human remains? A casket is a box or chest for cremating human remains.
4. How to make arrangements with a cemetery ?
5. How to get the remains of the body after cremation and how to dispose the cremated remains? You can scatter the remains in the sea (rules apply) or carry these back to India as well. The funeral director will go over the scattering options that you have. Make a choice that works best for you.
6. How to file for a Certificate of Death? This must be filed with the local registrar of births and deaths and signed by the attending doctor.
7. How to contact the Social Security office ?

During this discussion the funeral home manager will also explain how the body will be prepared before the funeral-dressing, make up, casketing, hair care, post autopsy care, etc. Usually a contract between the parents (family/legal guardian) and the funeral home is entered at this point. It is important for both the parents to be present for signing documents.

Step 3 Work with your hospital and doctors

You may have to send the body for an autopsy if the baby was suffering from a disease. Call your doctor for further instructions. The funeral home will work directly with the hospital until the body is ready for cremation.

Tips for planning a funeral as per Hindu rites

1. First, someone other than the parents of the baby must take charge of the situation. He must be strong to support the grieving family as well as help them to make tough choices.
2. Second, it is always helpful to talk to your parents or some older member of the family about religious rites. If they are not in US you should call them and write down all the instructions.
3. Third, you can also contact a local priest in Indian temples (place of worship) for specific instructions. There are many Indian temples in the Bay Area.  There is no mourning for weeks. The baby must be draped in a plain white or red cloth before the cremation. You may also keep some of the baby’s belongings in the casket. Some priests also prescribe keeping ‘panch-dhatu’ in the casket. You can buy plain white cotton cloth in any Indian store or get it from Wal-Mart, Michaels, etc. It is better to purchase this from an Indian store as many stores do not allow you to buy cloth by the yard/ meter. You have to buy the entire 40 yards!
4. Fourth, for a very young baby who dies under unusual circumstances, there are usually no complex rituals. You may choose to cremate or bury the remains. As per hindu rites, the soul is freed from the body after the body is cremated. But you should consult your family members before making a choice to bury or cremate (burn) the remains.
5. Fifth, It is better to have a ‘viewing’ of the body in the funeral home before taking it to the cemetery. This is always better if an autopsy was performed. Even though there is no concept of ‘viewing’ in Hindu rites, this ceremony gives a closure to the family as there is no place to say goodbye in the cemetery. The cemeteries are usually very mechanical and lack the ‘humane’ touch of the funeral establishments.
6. Sixth, on the day of the funeral you will first go to the funeral home, then the body will be taken to the cemetery (the funeral home arranges for this) before you go home. The remains will be sent to the funeral home and can be collected the next day.
7. Seven, for everyone involved in the last rites, it is important to take a bath as soon as you go home. People also sprinkle the holy Ganges water on themselves and in their home. This is a ritual for cleansing.
8. Eight, always give a tip to the driver who drove the remains of the body from the funeral home to the cemetery. They deserve it and it is a good deed.
9. Nine, chant the Gayatri Mantra or other suitable religious chants. You can also play these at the time of the viewing.
10. Last, if you plan to scatter the remains in the U.S. work with the funeral home director on your options for doing this. If you want to scatter the remains in India, they will pack in a specific box suitable for carrying on the airlines. The box must be labeled properly and a copy of the Death Certificate must be pasted on the box for inspection.

Overall, the grieving family will be helped extensively by the funeral home director/manager, physicians,hospital staff to make decisions related to funeral planning . For specific Hindu rituals is is best to talk to older family members. Planning a funeral is then a trade off between the legal requirements of the state and your religious beliefs.

Funeral business is not one that people openly discuss so when its time to need these services some people are lost and confused about what to do. It is strange to write such a post and I hope it is not useful for anyone. But if you are in this situation hopefully you will know what to expect.

If you are in the Bay Area (or SantaClara County)and are looking for professional funeral services, go to Alameda Family & Cremation Inc. in Saratoga, California. The compassion that these folks show is unbelievable! Link : http://www.funeralcremation.com/index.cfm They have a 24/7 helpline.

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Tags: funeral as per hindu rites, funeral casket, funeral home in bay area, funeral planning, funeral services for Indians, Indian funeral in U.S. funeral for an infant